My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
