It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Do you have feelings for this penis?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
