Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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