it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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