Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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