Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
