oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
They took my balls.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
