we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
