i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
