also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
