Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
