You're a womanizer and a bitch.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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