pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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