peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
