got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
