At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
