I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
