she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
