oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
