Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
