so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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