She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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