my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
