I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
