I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
