yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
