I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
