I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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