Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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