I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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