Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
