I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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