Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
