if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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