guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I want her autograph on my taint
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
