It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I am mentally ready for anal.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
