Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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