i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
