Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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