You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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