If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You left your phone here
Wait...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
