First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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