end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
