got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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