Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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