theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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