she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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