I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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