i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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