I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
