remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Randomize
